Love and Belonging ...

It happened that my life put me in a situation where I have to ponder a lot about love, feeling of belonging, and worthiness ...

I read The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown's sometime ago where one of the subjects she talks about is love and belonging. And let me go back and recap.

It seems like in this culture people struggle with feeling or worthiness. I have met so many people that has a long list of prerequisites for feeling worthy:

• I'll be worthy when I lose thirty pounds
• I'll be worthy when I make enough money
• I'll be worthy when I finish school
• I'll be worthy when my parents approve
• I'll be worthy if he calls me back and asks me out
• I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I am not even trying

BUT we gotta be worthy NOW. Not ifs. Not whens. We are worthy now. As is. Right this minute.

We also have to understand what is love and belonging.

A lot of people say "I love you" every day without actually understanding what it means to love somebody or to be loved. We don't talk about love. It almost feels like this is a very uncomfortable topic. So, love mirrors shame, how weird! Apparently, we are afraid of those two topics. "Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability".

Another topic that is very important to human experience is belonging. Belonging does not mean fitting in. Indeed fitting is gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about adjusting to the situation and being someone the situation requires us to be when belonging doesn't require us to change who we are, but rather to be who we are.

This the definitions of love and belonging according to Brene Brown:

Love: 

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. 

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive this injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare. 

Belonging: 

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

I wish someone I really care for understood what love is about. And understood how important it is to love ourselves first, and to trust ourselves, and not to be hard on ourselves. I wish that person understood that he is worthy of being loved or loving. There are no ifs or whens needed. We all are worthy of that feeling, and of being love.

It breaks my heart to see a lot of my loved ones struggling with those concepts.

We are such shallow generation that cares about fitting in, putting on a show, dating beautiful people, but all those things are disastrous for ourselves. People's relationships don't mean anything, especially here in Utah. I feel that a lot of divorces happen because of that. They pretend to be what they are expected to be, but it is not them ... And then all of the sudden this whole shallow thing falls apart because there is no real love, no real feelings, no real anything ... it is SO sad ...

Sometimes, thinking about all this makes me want to cry. Why is that that we care so much about the label that someone is going to stick on us? Why? Does it even matter? Does it matter what my neighbor is going to think of me? I don't think so! I don't care if people around me judge me. It happens to me every day, I live in Utah. And I am a foreigner. I dress differently. I act differently. Do I care when those Mormon moms give me the dirtiest looks because I wear black boots on a high heels in the winter? I am who I am and a lot of times I am the weird one ... BUT WHO CARES???


I wish we could just be ourselves, I wish we could take our relationships and feeling seriously and nurtured them. I wish our parents did not have to mess us up when we are little kids so that we don't have all the issues we have. I wish we all could be good parents and had the right approach teaching our children with love and care. I have met so many people that don't know how to love. I have heard so many people say "I have never loved anyone" Isn't it crazy? Isn't it scary?

I hope one day I can be a good loving partner, and perhaps, one day a wife, and maybe even a parent. I hope I can teach them how to feel and have them make their own mistakes instead of confusing them with who they are supposed to be.

I love life, I love love. When I love I love with all of my heart without holding back. And most of the times it bites me right on my arse ... funny, huh? or not really, but I wish there were more people that would pay attention to those things and know how important those things are.

Anyway, now I am just whining, haha. I gotta wrap up and go to bed.

Love,

Kristina

Little Manhattan ...

"I came over to my friends the other day, and they were watching Little Manhattan, one of my favorite movies. The movie is about two eleven-year-olds from new York. They fall in love one summer, but Rosemary has to go to summer camp, and then private school ... The back story of the movie is Gabe's parents that are going through a divorce for over a year, but they are still living together (reminds me of a lot of families in Ukraine), and Gabe's mother starts to date again.

At some point, Gabe says something that he doesn't really mean to Resemary, and ends up miserable because of it. To avoid the pain, he convinces himself that he doesn't care about her anymore. Later, he is talking to his father about love: 

Gabe: Dad, what's the deal with girls? I mean, why are they the way they are?

Dad: You're talking to the wrong man.

Gabe: Well, how come all love has to end?

Dad: Let me tell you something about me and your mom. Once upon a time, we really loved each other, but as time went by, there just got to be all these things, little things, stupid things, that were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. And after awhile, there was so much that was left unsaid, that we barely said anything at all.

Gabe: Well, why didn't you just say them then, dad?

Dad: I don't know, Gabe. I kind of wish I had.

After this conversation Gabe had a revelation that he didn't just liked Rosemary, he loved her. And he wanted to tell her that he did not mean whatever he said before. So, the little guy risks everything to tell her that he loves her, but that shocks her. I mean she is only eleven after all.

Gabe: You think you might wanna love me, too?

Rosemary: I don't know what I think, Gabe, I'm only 11. I don't think I'm ready to be in love…but I'm really happy you came.

That, “but I’m really happy you came,” made putting his heart out there worth it. And even though they had to go their separate ways, something good came out of his experience. When Gabe came home his parents were laughing and talking together. When his mother left, his dad told him "I just cleared some old stuff our of the storage room" 

"Love is an ugly, terrible business, practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing…but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake"

I love this movie, it always makes me think about my love life and all the experiences I have had. I like what Gabe says to his Dad when he said that about "all the stupid things that were left unsaid"; he says: "Why don't you just go and say them then, dad?". Adults complicate things SO much. I do it A LOT. But things are so much easier in real life. It all comes down to two people either loving each other or not, and either willing to communicate, compromise, work on things, or not ...

I also thought it was funny when Gabe told Rosemary all the mean things he did not mean, just to protect himself. It was funny to me because adults do that too. 

I have been in Gabe's shoes when you put your heart out, but there is no response ... or the other person is trying to decide what's best for you ... it sucks ...  should it not be much simpler than that? We should not need games, strategies, etc. in romantic relationships. Am I not right? Perhaps, I am not ... I did not grow up in America. I was a child of teen parents, and to be honest a lot of times I feel peculiar. I mean I do have a big heart, I'd do anything for people I love and care for. 

Anyway, that movie always makes me sad and then makes me smile and provokes a lot of thinking. Talk to your loved ones, don't pile up things, don't complicate anything. Go do it now, it is NEVER late! 

Much love, 

Kristina 

Life lessons ...

Wow, it has almost been a year since I have written on here. So many things have happened I don't even know where to start. I guess I am not going to give you guys all the details about my life. 

As always I have been busy with my life. School has kept me VERY busy. 

I also learned a lot of things about myself this year, and I changed a lot to be honest. 

I love being me. It might sound silly, but I really do. I come from a very tough background. And I love the fact that I was able to use it to my advantage. I was able to turn my heart aches, hardships, etc. into forgiving, loving, caring, and serving others. To be honest, nothing makes me feel better than being helpful to someone. It does not matter who it is, I just love doing those things. There is no better reward than knowing that I made someone's life a little easier and uplifted them in any way. It might sound weird to some of you, but doing those things makes me happy. 

I love life. I love the challenges that it brings. I am just a happy girl :) 

I was reading about Michelangelo today. And I came across this quote, he said: "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it". I can totally relate this to life. I might be weird I don't know. I mean he is talking about marble and here I am with my analogies, haha :) But anyway, I feel like in our life we might not see things plain and perfect as Michelangelo saw his statues, but we gotta "hew the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition" to be able to be happy to be able to achieve our goals, to be able to get where we want to be. And when I think about "the rough walls" I think of emotional connections. When we are born, we are naked, not only that we come with no clothes on, we are also emotionally naked. We have not learned yet how to not trust people, we have not been hurt yet, and everything is exciting and new. But once we start growing up, we figure that we cannot carry on like this. We gotta change. We have to learn to be careful, we have to build those "rough walls" to protect ourselves. We absolutely have to. But then once we built those walls, it becomes hard to let anyone in. I mean "we were hurt before, please, no more!" I bet this sounds familiar to a lot of people. But we all know that we'd have to "hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes". It is hard to take our walls down, but so worth it. I have learned within the last few years that if I do let my walls down, I will most likely get hurt, but I also learned that having my walls down teaches me SO much. It makes me a better person and it makes it possible for my heart to really love and care. I might sounds awfully strange, BUT I love it! 

I love seeing little children play together. When they meet they usually say something along the lines: "What's your name? Do you want to be my friend?" and next thing you know they are best friends. Unfortunately, adults are not capable of that. But we once were those little kids that did that at least once. What happened? ...

I also believe that we live in a society to lighten each other's burdens and uplift each other. Today, someone on Facebook called me naive and weird for saying that. And you know, perhaps, they are right. Maybe I am naive, but I like it. 

Let's "hew away the rough walls", let's be kind to each other and uplift each other. It is not that hard to be nice. Let's try it out, let's smile at people, let's not envy (that feeling is so harmful). I know that when I do those things I feel so happy and uplifted. Kindness is contagious catch it and pass it on! And there are really no reasons to be gloomy or unhappy even when things are tough. There will always be people that live a better life than we do and people that dream about what we have in this life. And it is ok :) I figured that the best thing to do is aim high, do our best, and learn to be sincerely happy when we see others succeed. Life is beautiful, it is all about how we perceive it and what we make of it. 

I feel happy, blessed, and I am just SO grateful for everything I have in my life. I love life =))))))) 

Thank you for taking your time and reading it :) 

Love of My Life

I have been a little down the last few days. I, honestly, cannot figure out what causes it, but I have been really sad. I am proud of staying happy and doing my best to enjoy the things I do.

I was talking to a really dear friend of mine today who has been having difficulties in his love life, and it made me think a lot about my life, goals, future, etc ... thinking about those things made me re-check with my consciousness, and I got a little happier. I got to remember lots of things that are important in this life, I kinda put my priorities in place if that makes sense. Anyway, it was an interesting experience. I don't really know how to explain it.

The most interesting part of it was that it made me think about my love life and what I have been up to these past few months. And it made me think of the love of my life, the guy who will take me to the temple one of those days. I don't know who he is, but I know I love him with all of my heart. I remember when I was in Young Women they had us write a letter to our future husband, I was a little girl, but I think my letter was pretty cool, I said: "I don't know who you are, but I love you more than anyone else in this world. I look forward to cooking you meals and doing your laundry. I cannot wait to just cuddle with you on a couch in front of TV on Friday nights, and talk about everything and nothing. I look forward to growing old with you and holding your hand when we are old and wrinkly. It just sounds soooooooooo good. I am SO in love with you! Please, be good and make good choices till I meet you, and I will do the same". I think it is the cutest letter ever, and the best part of it that I still feel the same way. I love the guy that I will marry SO very much. I look forward to meeting him. Thinking about that moment makes me SO happy! 

I also watched this lil video today, it totally made tears come to my eyes. It is super cute and a little sad, but I love it!

Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WNfvuJr9164

Love you all <3 

Life ...

I am convinced that everyone has the right to make mistakes. I believe that we all make mistakes for a reason. Life is a learning experience, and it is OK to make mistakes. This is how we learn and grow. The hard part of it is to get up after falling on your face. Get up and continue walking. Some people get depressed, some people become bitter, some people start doing things that hurt others, etc. It is hard to keep "a loving heart" for most people. But at the same time it is so important.

I remember when I was a little girl we lived in a nice area in Ukraine where moms got together with their kids and we, kids, played together. I remember how easy it was to find friends. You get on the playground, you come up to a boy / girl. You introduce yourself and ask them for their name, and then you find yourself playing together as if you have know each other for your entire lives. I remember we cared so much about each other and when we hurt someone we said: "I am sorry" and gave them a kiss. Cute, huh? We said what we meant and we meant what we said. Things were crystal clear at that time. 

However, with time everything change. We grow up and learn how to guard ourselves, we become these weird people that are scared to do things for other because we might get hurt. We are scared to love, we are scared to care. Because what if another person chooses to do something else ... And it IS scary, don't get me wrong. But we must progress, we must grow. We gotta acquire hearts that love, brains equipped with wisdom and truth, and courage to find our ways. 

And all the life experience we have are not to make us miserable, but to teach us how to be better people. Those are to help us accomplish what we are to accomplish, help us achieve our goals and make us better people. So many people in Utah say: "Well, I have had this and that happen in my life and now I cannot do anything, but be like this". A lot of those are guys and gals that got their hearts broken and now they just go around making out with everything that moves without any commitment or feelings. Most of them understand that it is no bueno, that it might hurt other people's feeling, but they do not want to change it. Some of them say: "I am not ready yet". And to be honest, it makes me laugh inside. Because in reality what they are saying is: "I do not want to. And I do not care if someone does not like it, this is how I roll. Like it or not". It also reminds me of some of my drug addicted friends from home. They would always say: "I am going to quit doing drugs, just not right now. I know it is bad, but I am just not ready yet". Guess what? They have never given up their addictions. And some of them even died ... I know sad ... 

Anyway, what I am trying to say in this post is that it is ok to make mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes of others hurt us in a very personal and painful way. And regardless of how painful and miserable it is, it is ok. They have the right to make mistakes just like we do. And on our part, we gotta take those experiences and make the best out of them. Learn our lessons, forgive, forget, and love those people in return. You were engaged and got cheated on? It is hard, it hurts, it hurts BAD, but it is ok ... love is a wonderful thing that cures everything. And sometimes, we gotta have those experiences to actually know what it really means to love and care for someone. I love what C.S. Lewis said about love. To love is to be vulnerable, there are not other ways. 

It is ok to get hurt through those experiences we learn how to love, we become wiser, and we learn to be courageous. It is ok to trust others. Don't lock your heart up in a safe (unless you are going on an LDS mission, haha). Don't be afraid. To Love is to Be Vulnerable! 

I am done with my preaching for today =))))) 

Love you all SO very much! 

Kristina 

Closures ...

I never realized how not having had a closure could screw up your life, haha. Six years ago, someone who was really dear to me walked out of my life unexpectedly ... was I sad? I was devastated ... It is a long story that most of you already heard so, I am not going to repeat myself.

Anyway, these last six years I have been trying so hard to move on and do the right thing. But things just did not work out and I have always had my ex-fiance on my mind. It was a disaster. I felt like I was not going to ever be happy with anyone else. I dreamed about him every night and had this weird connection with him that I could not explain what it was and why I felt that way, It drove me crazy big time.

Well, it happened that I got a chance to talk to him a chance to let out all those things that I kept inside for six years. It felt so good, I felt so relieved ... I feel free now. I had not realized how important it was to just talk, to just honestly communicate. Talking to him made me realize lots of things, and it felt amazing.

I can now go date and not compare every guy I meet to someone from my past. I can go live my life without wondering about how things are on the other end of the world ... I am happy =)))))

These last six years felt like I was a prisoner of my past, but now it is all a history. Life is an interesting thing. I am a little sad it took me that long, but whatever. I learned lots of things =))))))))

I feel blessed and grateful.

Love ya all,

Kristina

!!!

I miss you! Yes, I do, I miss you so much that sometimes I cannot fall asleep at night. I think about you every day, and I keep you in my prayers every time I say one. It has been a long time since the last time I saw you, things changed, you moved on. I live thousands of miles away, but I still feel what you go through in your life. 

I miss you when something really good happens, because I want to share it with you. I miss you when I am sad or worried about something, because there is no one else who understands me so well. I miss you when I am happy, when I laugh, when I am sad and I cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time!!! I miss you when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other. Those were some of the best times in my life.

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid. I am afraid that you don't want to hear me say anything. So, I don't. But inside of me there are so many words I wanna say, waiting to come out, and tell you how I feel, how I miss you, and how I love you despite my broken heart... And how I need you in my life. But those words may forever stay in my heart ... locked inside ... Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you as well ... but I will never know ... 

Love,

Kristina