February 3, 2011

Today has been a good day so far. I gave my sister a ride to the bus stop in the morning as I always do, I came home and I was SO tired that I had to take a nap ... I did not wake up till fifteen minutes past eleven, darn! After the nap I could not remember if I was the one taking my sister to the bus stop. It took me a while to come to my senses and remember that yeah, it was me, haha.
I wore my Victoria's Secret sweater dress and my black boots to school today. I ran into lots of friends that I had not seen in forever on campus today. It was kinda fun to be around people again. I also drew a lot of attention to myself, I guess guys like my Victoria's Secret sweater dress and my black boots. I love getting attention, yeah, I admit it now. I remember a few years ago some of my friends confronted me with the fact that I love attention and stuff. I remember I got so mad. I thought it was an insult because it was NOT true, lol ... It was indeed true and it still is ... you cannot blame me though, I am a girl. Every girl loves attention, even the one that never gets it. And so do I. I love attention, I love having all the guys around me, hahaha.
Anyway, I had my financial service lectures today. I usually enjoy those a lot, but today they were kinda boring. The guy talked about life insurance and he gave us a few different examples about what people do. And I just thought that it was so irrelevant for me right now. I mean I am not planning on buying life insurance. So, yeah, I had to make an effort to pay attention to the lecturer.
I felt so weak today that I did not go to my evening class. However, I did go to zumba, lol. I was SO close to not going though. My sister was kinda cranky, but I insisted. I enjoy going to zumba, it is a good and fun workout, and at the moment this is all the workout I get; and it is only twice a week. So, I could not waste it. Zumba gives me energy, I love it!
The quote of the day is: "Never love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde I do not think there is much left to say about this quote, I just like it.
It happened that this week I have been thinking a lot about different people that I happened to deal with in my life. I have looked into lots of things online, tried to research how people react to things and why. I came across Brene Brown a research professor at the University of Houston, and I absolutely love her!

She is amazing! I guess I like her cause I can relate to her research. I absolutely agree with what she says about vulnerability. I had to learn it the hard way. I used to numb vulnerability, and I learned that vulnerability is a core of feeling not only sadness but joy and happiness. We cannot selectively numb one emotion, when we do, we numb joy, gratitude, happiness and then ... we become miserable. Once I figured it out, I just had to practice it, and I have ... and I love it. I love being open and loving. I love being vulnerable, it empowers me with the capacity to love and care for other people. And by putting my heart out like that I do risk to get hurt, and you'd think that it might be safer to protect yourself ... but nope, it is not ... I have tried that and by "protecting" myself, I only hurt myself and other people. My family always says that I have a talent to love people, but I know indeed that everyone can do it by learning that being vulnerable is not bad, that it empowers us to experience not only shame and sadness, but also joy and happiness.

I love this quote, it describes whatever I was trying to say rambling in a few sentences above, haha. The bottom line is that love is born of vulnerability and risk. If we don't let ourselves be vulnerable, if we don't risk, we will not experience it. I know it to be true! I just wish some people would understand it and do something about it, but I cannot make them ... unfortunately. I am a control freak btw, lol ... j/k ... well ... not really, haha
That is it for today. Peace.

Sick ...

I have been blogging lots within the last few days. That what happens when I am sick or heart broken or both, haha ...
Today was a good day, I did not get much done cause I am sick. I had to go to the Health Center in the morning to get my blood drawn ... I went in my pjs ... something I'd never do at home, haha. They drew six tubes of blood ... Royal Ukrainian blood ... Now I have a big bruise on my arm ... somehow, every time a girl draws blood from me I get bruises (besides the one time my sister did it, she was good) ... maybe I just should ask for male phlebotomist next time, haha ... My test results will be ready by Friday ... I am kinda scared cause if they are bad again ... I will have to make a trip home to get everything taken care of ... No offense, but American doctors are horrible with diagnosing ... and the treatment of the illnesses that do not require surgeries suck as well ... At home I'd have an opportunity to be seen by every specialist. I will be able to have all the possible tests and know for sure what is broken. And I wont get deep in debt for doing that. It is amazing! =))) 
Anyway, at least I know I am not going to die any time soon, so, that is good, right?
I did go to work for a few hours, just cause I need to work, I need dineros ... unfortunately, my sick days are not paid for. I have been feeling so weak that I just want to sleep the whole day... I mean I am very stressed and sad and I usually lose my sleep over it, but because I am sick I have had no problems sleeping which is kinda nice. Though, excessive sleep is never good.
In the evening my friend Gallia convinced me to go to the temple, even though I did not feel like it. It turned out to be a really good experience, I love the temple! We had a blast ...
I finally got my Victoria's Secret package, yay! I had to send the other one back cause the clothes were too big for me, I had to exchange Small for Extra Small. American sizes are so flattering, I am beginning to like it, haha. Now I have my really comfy and warm dress and a pair of sexy pants. I am happy :))))))
I found a really good quote that I really like:
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense". - Ralph Waldo Emerson. I like how it says that you'll begin your tomorrow "serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense" ... My old nonsense wont matter tomorrow. It is going to be a great day. Lots of amazing things are going to happen tomorrow regardless ;)))))

You are dreaming ...

You often say…”I don’t love you”, while your soul is dying. You often say “I hate you” just to convince yourself that you do. You often say “ Goodbye forever” hoping to see the person again. You say “Go away”, hoping that the person will not see your tears. You say ”Never”, knowing that it will happen again. You often say “I am over it” when you are afraid to admit your feelings. You say “ I don’t remember you anymore” when you can’t get the person out of your head. You say” I forgot your number” when you already know it by heart. You say” we’re done” when everything has just begun. Sometimes you can’t say “I LOVE YOU” because you are afraid to hear the answer. You ask me to leave you alone when all you need is support…You are hoping, when you have no chance. You are waiting when you know that you are forgotten. You are dreaming.

Today is a new day =))))))

Got up a little later today, because my sister did not wake me up to give her a ride to the bus stop. I was not happy about it cause she had to walk in the cold, but at the same time I kinda was glad she did not have to see my puffy watery eyes ...
I have an 8 am class today, but I did not go. Good thing I have a friend in a class who was willing to submit my homework for me ...
I promised myself so many times that I will not let myself get hurt again, but somehow I am not smart enough and I get hurt over and over again by the same people ... My dad would have said that even a donkey would have learned and not acted the way I do by now ... I guess I am a little slow ... well, no, I am not. I just have a soft heart and I might look all tough and stuff, but I am not ... I forgive, and when I do ... I forget ...
I guess it is the time to be tough ... I am just scared of losing myself once I become tough. Does it sound silly? Maybe it does ... I do not know ...
I just want to be myself, I want to be a happy girl that I am ... but sometimes it is so hard! It is hard not to be bitter and mean when you get hurt ... I feel like I am five again ... I remember when I got scared I would run to my dad, put my arms around his neck and have him hug me tightly .... If you only knew how much I need it right now ... a big hug from my dad ... too bad it is not available to me anymore ...
Life is an interesting thing ... I mean I am a grownup, I am an adult. I learned lots of things, I have a few degrees, I speak a few languages. And for being a woman, I'd say I am rather successful ... To a lot of people I look independent and intimidating ... but deep down I am a little girl that gets sad, that is vulnerable, that is kind and naive in a way ... someone who wants to trust people and who keeps getting hurt over and over again ... I need my dad when I feel like this ... I need him to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be all right ... boo, I am all sentimental ... I am being a girl. hahahaha ... oh, this brings another memory to my mind ...
I remember when I was little I did not like being a girl ... I wanted to be like my dad ... I even tried to pee standing when I was in the kindergarten ... from what I remember I was trying to prove the boys that we are not that different and that we can be friends ... it was a total failure ... wet panties AND wet shoes ... Oh, how much I miss those times. The times when I did not have to pretend ... it is SO simple when you are little ... I remember it took me seconds to make best friends with someone I just barely met ... we asked each other what our names were and that was enough ... we played together as if we have been buddies for our whole lives ... no one worried about things getting stolen, about another person taking advantage of you ... it was simple and open ... if something went wrong ... we could communicate and say something like "Hey, I do not like you because you are throwing my toys around and then you leave and I am the only one to clean. You gotta help me". It was so easy to solve problems and resolve differences.
Do not get me wrong, I love being an adult, I just feel that if we cared enough to see that little vulnerable selves in other people, we would have cared more and understood each other more ... but this is just my thinking, haha. ...
Sometimes I feel like Dorothy in Oz ... I feel out of place and disoriented ... I do not feel home ... I wish I could just click the heels and go "home" the place where I am comfortable, where everything is familiar ... too bad it is not an option ...
Anyway, I should finish my rambling, go eat, take my supplements, and go to work, yay! Sorry if I bored you all to death.
 

Life as it is ...

I have lived in America for almost three years. I live in a "Happy Valley" where everyone is supposedly happy and nice ... However, a lot of times I find myself missing home ... missing nice people ... a lot of times I feel like people here do not even care about anything, but how much money they make, what car they drive, and how much more successful they are than their neighbor ... sigh ...
I grew up in a society where it is rude to eat a chocolate bar in front of other kids because you gotta share ... and maybe the other kid left his / her snacks at home or simply cannot afford one ... it is rude to put a gum in your mouth without offering your friends one ... it is rude to start eating before everyone has been served their food ... etc. etc. We are taught to be considerate since we are little kids.
I find that here when people ask you "How are you?" or "How is it going?" they do not really care. Last week I was experimenting so, I replied to the standard "How are you?" "Oh, it could be better" ... and guess what? No one noticed ... literally NO ONE ... funny ... or should I say sad? I do not know ...
I miss living around people that actually care ... that would be friends with you not because you are smart and help them with homework, not because they want to go to med school and you have a good sugar mama potential, but because they like you for what you are, and they just care for you because you are such a good friend and they are amazing themselves...
Often I feel that I live in the world of fakeness, and it makes me so sad. And when you care for someone it throws people off ... they think you are sweet, but kinda weird, I mean seriously, why would you do anything like that? I have been told so many times "You are too sweet and nice, Kristina". It is funny cause in this society it is a bad thing ... It so does not make sense to me ....
I am just tired of Provo - Orem. I am tired of getting disappointed. I am tired of selfish blokes ... I am ready to move out of here and to move on ... Can someone, please, fast forward the time for me? I need one of those remotes from the Click movie, it would be sick to have one, hahaha ...
Other than that life is good ... I just wish some people cared a little more ... but it is ok :)
This year has been good to me so far. I have been trying to eat healthy and to be better at exercising. Yeah, embarrassing enough, I am outta shape. And I was eating crap the whole 2010. It feels good to eat healthy and not eating out sure pays off =) School has kept me busy big time. I am taking too many credits, but I love it. I love being busy and nerdy, haha. Yeah, I am a nerd, I am not even going to try to deny it :P
Life is full of fun and adventures when you do what you are supposed to do. This year is going to bring me lots of joy and happiness, watch it happen!

Evaluations ...

Today, I had an evaluation meeting with my boss (we have those in the end of every semester). I must say I have the bestest boss out there. And if there is someone that does not agree ... keep it to yourself, cause I am convinced he is the best one. I do not know how he does it, but every time I have those meeting with him, I feel great about myself, even this semester when I did not perform that well ... He still had lots of good things to say and lots of ways to tell me that I am appreciated and that the work I do is recognized ... A lot of you are probably thinking: "Duh, you work for BYU. What do you expect?" Well, this is not the first department on campus that I have worked for during my two years at BYU; and I loved my previous job, and I still miss the people that I worked with over there, but I had never been SO happy about my work environment. Scott (my boss) is a great manager. I know even if I mess up, he got my back. Even if I have to be chewed out, I will feel great afterwards. And I am VERY grateful for that!!!!!!! I feel blessed for the people I work with. I realized today that I made some really good friends at work. Every day I come to work, I at some point get to talk to nearly everyone. We always laugh and have a good time. Some of my co-workers tease me as if we were related, haha. I enjoy working with all of them. I spend a lot of time at work, and I am happy that the environment at the office is healthy, I luff my job, everyone should be jealous ... =)))))))))

It is so simple ...

We try so hard to figure out what love is and talk about it so much to gain an understanding on such an important topic. 

There is a really good description of what love is. Why don't we review? 

• Love suffers long
• Love is Kind
• Love envieth not
• Love vaunteth not itself
• Love is not puffed up
• Love does not behave unseemingly
• Love seeks not her own
• Love is not easily provoked
• Love doesn't think evil
• Love doesn't rejoice in iniquity
• Love rejoices in truth
• Love Bears all things
• Love believes all things
• Love hopes all things
• Love endures all things
• Love does not fail

So simple and so profound. I love the scriptures! 

I feel loved, blessed, and grateful =))))))))))