Insanity ...

So, this post is a little different from my usual posts, but I hope that blogging about my progress will help me stay motivated and not to give up. I started a 60 day Insanity workout program on Tuesday, and in short it is kicking my butt :)

When I decided to start this workout, I knew it was tough, but I did not realize how tough it was going to be. On Tuesday I did the fit test that was tough, but it was only about 30 min workout with frequent breaks. I did better than I thought I was going to do and almost did not sweat (I usually never sweat, my body just doesn't). Yesterday was a Plyometric Cardio Circuit day. This workout made me sweat big time, the sweat was dripping off me. That had NEVER happened to me before. And some of you might think: "Of course not you probably never work out". But it is not the case I do work out. I usually try to work out about five times a week, but this cardio work out did indeed kick my butt. I workout at night, so, afterwards all I could do was taking a shower, drinking a protein shake, and going to bed. I had never fallen asleep that fast. I was gone as soon as I put my head on the pillow, and this is very unusual, I usually stay up for a long time before I fall asleep. I kinda like it. I slept like a baby for good nine hours :) When I woke up this morning, I could feel every muscle there is in my body. I like the feeling, I am not going to lie.

Oh, also I got on a nutrition plan. I have to eat 5 times a day not more than 1900 calories. It is tough to eat that much cause I am never hungry, haha. But at the same time it pays off at night when I workout. I do get enough energy, so, it is kinda nice. I like the fact that it is a healthier eating. I am a healthy eating habits fan.

So, yeah, this is what I do now. I workout, study, and work. And to be honest, I enjoy it lots :) I look forward to my workout tonight. I will keep you all updated! Thanks for all your support.

Much love <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSccVzdYhmI&extcmp=c77044cd60b6&ef_id=r4JN3AYesU8AAM2g:20111110202347:s

Can't fall asleep

It is 3:20 a.m. and I am wide awake? Why? I would love to know the answer to this question, haha. Lots of things have been rushing through my mind, all of those thoughts are really random and different. It reminds me of Mark Gungor when he talks about women brain and men brain. "Women's brains are very very different from men's brains. Women's brains are made of a big ball of wire, and everything is connected  to EVERYTHING" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc this is exactly how I feel :)

Anyway, I am awake thinking about EVERYTHING, lol. I miss being in a big city, I miss my culture where people value relationships ... it has been a HUGE adjustment to move to Provo, Utah. It is considered to be a bigger town, but if you ask me ... I'll just say that it is really really small, haha. However, I did get used to it, and now it does not seem that small. I love being in school, I have learned lots of new things. I met lots of great people and a few who are not so great. I have learned plenty of life lessons. I got disappointed, heartbroken,etc., but I remained the same Kristina. I am a hopeless romantic that wears my heart on a sleeve. Some of my friends (including my sister) have been trying to teach me to be tough and not let others walk over me. And they have the point. BUT if you ask me, I'd rather be a pushover than a B word. However, I do not think I am a pushover, I just try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes I am not.

I am still convinced that I have the best dad in the world, and I absolutely adore my younger sister. I got disappointed with friends, but I still have the best ones. I got disappointed with myself (many times), but I still try to be the best I can and not get too down on myself. I have fell on my face, but managed to get up and walk again. A lot of times I look back at my choices and I squint and say: "Can we pretend it has never happened? Can someone erase it for me, and make everyone forget about it?" I bet everyone has those moments.

I have also been thinking about relationships... do they really have to be that complicated? I mean even with friends ... there is always someone who gets jealous, says things, and causes drama ... why? And then people get offended, and hurt ... why again? With guys ... well, it gets even more complicated ... you gotta play THE game. If you are a girl, you absolutely cannot show much of an interest because if you do, you are doomed. You will be considered desperate and pathetic.If you play hard to get, you will probably get some conceited jerk pursue you cause those like to have things that they cannot have. A good regular guy thinks that you are too much to handle, nerds are too busy with StarCraft and other video games ... so, you are stuck with jerks and players ... why can't things be easy as they used to be in childhood? Remember when you got out to the playground and met a ton of new kids? Remember how in a blink of an eye absolute strangers became your friends? It was SO natural and easy ... why can't we just say: "Hey, I like you!" instead of playing all those games?

Another subject that was, apparently, connected to the one above is chills and tingly feelings in romantic relationships. I feel like the whole Hollywood Fairy Tale idea kinda ruined it for everyone. It seems like people in our days are looking for this constant excitement and when it is not there ... they leave. I have been around for a while and I can tell you for darn sure that chills / tingly feelings come and go. I mean it is nice to be head over heals for someone, but is it necessary? Or can you be head over heals for a long time? Or for how long should you be twitterpatted before you take your relationship seriously? A few of my friends have been talking about it a lot recently. If you ask me, I'd rather have a solid, firm, and reliable partnership kinda thing in my relationship than the chills...

Ooops, it is already 4:16 ... I have to be at work in less than 5 hours ... wish me luck waking up. Tomorrow is going to be A LONG day :)

Sorry if my ramblings do not make sense. I am just thinking out-loud :)

Love ya all <3

When it rains, it pours ...

I want to say thank you to all my friends that have been so supportive. It is cute that everyone thinks that I am dying right now. I am ok. No, really, I am ok. I have heard SO many compliments, encouragements, opinions, etc, since last night. I really appreciate all those. I am sorry for not answering my phone yesterday and today, I just feel like I need time and space to process things and decide what direction I want to head.

Yesterday was quite a day for me ... someone was really rude to me in Russian, called me names, and told me to f off ... all the words that were said were super rude. I also got allergies cause I ate some cilantro and I am allergic to it. So, I look like I have been crying and not sleeping ... and then to top it off, I got broken up with the same night ... great! I must say I kinda knew it was coming. He acted weird, and I have felt all the warnings ... it still hurts, I mean no one likes to be broken up with or left behind. And if there is someone who does ... that person is crazy.

I remember growing up my dad taught me a lot about love and relationships. I think he was so paranoid about it because my mom did not know how to love. She was super young when she had me, and she was a little selfish. A lot of times I thought that my mom felt stuck with us, and she did not like it. But she learned later.

Anyway, my father always taught me that one day I will meet this special guy whom I'll love. He taught me that I gotta learn to love him now even though I have not met him yet. It was funny cause I was very little, and I would always tell him that he was silly and I will never love anyone, but him. Those memories make me smile and bring tears to my eyes. I love my dad, he is a great man. But this thing that he taught me when I was little makes it easier for me to survive breakups. I feel like "Oh, he was not the guy then. Have not met my man yet", and I move on. It is harder when I do feel otherwise ... but it has not happened many times, probably twice in my life when I fought for the guy with all my might. I am kinda glad those days are in the past.

I have to say that I sincerely loved and cared for every guy I dated. I have a few crazy stories, but every guy I dated in the past is a great person that affected me in a certain way. I am what I am because of the people I interact with, and I am grateful for all of them. I mean some of them broke my heart to little pieces, but because of it, my heart became bigger and more capable to love and care for others. Sometimes, we might look at our past relationships as a failure, and I am guilty of feeling this way, till we meet someone else, and then we realize how much we have learned from our previous relationships. I mean in the whole love thing nobody wins or loses, right?

It is important to know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want that person to be happy no matter what, even if it means that it is not with you. Everything happens for a reason :)

They say that if you don't hurt, you won't ever learn how to love.

One failure relationship should not destroy love. However, it is SO hard to let go when all you want is to hold on, and then you hold on when you should really let go ... cause you can never find the right person if you hold on to the wrong one ... but at the same time the moment you think that you are ready to let go, you all of the sudden remember why you were holding on for such a long time .... It is so hard to forget about what you want and to remember what you deserve ...

I like comparing love with investing ... it is risky. The risk of investing is that your investment won't bring you anything back, and you'll lose your money. To live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But we gotta take risk cause it is dangerous to risk nothing at all in our lives. The risk of loving someone is not being loved in return. It was a hard concept for me to grasp cause to be honest, it is so much easier to just be idle, and not worry about anything.

My friend emailed this quote to me today that made me think about lots of things and kinda inspired this entry: "How to define love: "Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you" - I do not know who said it or where my friend found this quote, but it makes perfect sense. And this is what I feel about the guy I dated till last night. If he feels this is the right way to go, fair enough. I let go. It might not be what I want. But I might want something different from what I deserve.

I am grateful for all the experiences in my life. I took a day off work today. My allergy wont go away, and as I mentioned before I need time to process everything, and decide what direction I want to head. I know it might not be an easy route, but it will be amazing in the end. Cause life is awesome (I hate that word btw, haha)

Once again, thanks to all my friends and family for your support. Each of you means the world to me. I am fine, I will be back in the loop tomorrow, I promise.

BIG HUG <3

Kristina 

The hardest things ...

In this life I have had to do lots of things that were tough, and unpleasant. But I find that the hardest one is to say goodbyes to the people that you care for. Today my sister and I met with some of the dearest people in our lives, Kevin and Melissa Brooks to say goodbye before they take off for their new adventure in Montana.

We met for dinner, next time we see them we will be wearing sweaters and boots, yay for winters, haha =) 

They are like a family to us, older siblings that I never got to have. Melissa takes a really special place in our lives cause we learned about the church from her. Some years ago, this zealous young missionary came to our house to teach us about the gospel. She was SO cute! She had been only two months or so in Ukraine when she and her companion came to our house to teach us. Both of them knew just about enough to get around :) It was a great experience. Melissa is a real example to me. If you look for a perfect woman role model that would be her. She is amazing. She is everything a man could wish for (lucky Kevin, haha). She is a perfect mom, and a great wife. Every time I am around her, I think to myself: "I want to be like her". She is consistent, persistent, loyal, kind, fun to be around ... and the list goes on and on. Melissa is a mom of four adorable children whom we love greatly. We were sad we did not get to see them, but hopefully, we'll be able to get together a few times a year and see them all.
Kevin is an ambitious man that we love as well. I hope one day I will meet a man that would be as ambitious, smart, and aggressive as Kevin is. I always look up to him. He is motivated, driven, and I just love him cause he reminds me of myself, lol ;))))))) (I had to compliment myself in this entry, just kidding).
But seriously, I have learned SO much from this couple. I got lucky to live with them in the fall of 2008, and it was a blast. I loved every second of it. I miss our evening talks on the couch when Kevin and Melissa would ask me about my life and we'll talk about my career goals, Ukraine, boys, and life in general.
Oh, how much I am going to miss them! I wish I spent more time with them when they just lived twenty minutes away ... and it was always nice to know that if anything out of ordinary happens, they are there. Now, I will have to make an 8 hour drive if anything ... haha ... which is not a big deal, right?
 But do not get me wrong, I am excited for their new adventures that are ahead of them. I am SUPER excited for Kevin's new job. I am just whining cause I feel like screaming "Take me with ya!" haha.
This family holds a very special place in our hearts and I am just grateful we have them. It is just hard to have them leave, but changes are for better.
I will definitely miss all the teasing about being a BYU fan, cheering for Klitchko because there is no one else to cheer for in Ukraine, and lots of other things. And who is going to tease me about my boy situation? Oh, I forgot I have a sister that lives just ten minutes away, lol.
We love our Brooks family. They are amazing! We are SO grateful for everything they have done for us. I do not know where I would have been and what I would have done with my life if Melissa Brooks (Sister Keith) has not touched our lives in a very special way.
It is hard to see them move out of state, but we will find ways to keep in touch and stay close.

thinking ...

I have had an interesting day today ... I have been super stressed with school and other things.

Anyway, recently, I have been watching and listening to my friends carefully. I have seen my friends dating, getting married, getting divorced, getting cheated on, and doing lots of things ...

And today I have been thinking about families. We are taught that families are one of the most important social groups in our society ... but at the same time ... what do we do? We lie, cheat, get divorced, hurt our kids ... why?

My parents got divorced because of lies, lack communication, misunderstanding, and eventually one of them cheated on another. It was hard on both of them, and on my sister and I, but it happened to our family.

I wish people that are immature, selfish, or have issues stayed away from people of the opposite sex, and never got married, then no one would get hurt. I always feel bad for the families with kids ... poor little ones have done nothing to go through that... Seeing kids suffering from divorces breaks my heart, maybe cause I can relate to it, I do not know. Why can't adults be adults, and act like adults? Why can't people learn what it means to love and how to compromise? Is it cause no one teaches it? Is it that hard not to be selfish? I always thought it was easy to think of others, and care for others as yourself. Every religion teaches to take care of others, and love others, but somehow SO many people are purely selfish and they do not know how to love, it almost feels like they are handicapped. It makes me really sad ...

I always wonder about what people feel towards each other when they get married. I mean they probably love each other and want to spend their lives together ... what happens to those feelings with time? Why do people lie, cheat, and make poor choices? I mean I have never been married, but it almost seems to me that a lot of people that do get married do not even realize what love is ... I remember I was very sad that my parents got divorced, and I kinda stopped believing in the whole love thing or that marriages work. But then my dad said something that stuck in my mind, he said: "If you do everything in your power to make your husband the happiest man, and if he has the same priorities, your marriage will work out. It will require a lot of compromising, a lot of work, but the reward will be great" It sounds like a wise piece of advice. I mean this is what love is in my world. It is not infatuation, or feeling the spark (which is still a very important part of a relationship, especially in early stages), it is way more than just that. I love definition from Webster dictionary: "love is UNSELFISH LOYAL and benevolent concern for the good of another" It is so simple, seriously, why is it so hard for so many people??? I mean I am not the one to judge, I have never been married, I have never gone through the things those married couples go through. But some things people do just blow my mind. All those examples scare me. I look at the experiences my friends have and I think to myself: "Geez, I am SO happy I am single!"

However, love is beautiful. It mends everything, and makes this world look better, it really does. It knows no limits, it is kind, it is unselfish, it is giving, it makes you feel better about lots of things, it forgives, it is just amazing, it is a lodestar of life. We cannot survive without love, we absolutely need it. And I am not only talking about romantic kinda love. I am talking about love in general. I know that when I show love to my friends by serving them, it makes ME happy, I feel accomplished, it is a nice feeling, really. I wear my heart on my sleeve, everyone knows what is going on there, haha. I get hurt because of that, but I have loved every guy that I have been in a relationship with, and every friend I have had. I always put my heart into those things, whether it is a friendship or a romantic kinda thing. And to be honest, I could not have been happier with that. I mean I made my share of mistakes and poor choices, but I am where I am with a big heart that knows how to love :)

Gordon B. Hinckley said: "Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people or bridge the chasms of bitterness ... if the world is to be improved, the process of love must make a change in the heart of humans. It can do so when we look beyond self to give our love to God and others, and do so with all our hearts, with all our souls, and with all our minds." I love this quote, I'd love to elaborate on it, but it is past my bed time, and I really should have been studying instead of writing this entry :) So, I am off to bed. Sorry, if my ramblings do not make sense.

Big hug,

Kristina

trials ...

I rarely get down on myself, but these last few days have been one of these days. I feel horrible ... I feel like I am failing at life ... I am very sad cause I was mean to the person I really care for ... what's my deal? I never do that. I am usually nice. I am a happy person, and I always try to stay positive and optimistic. This is SO weird ... I feel like I have been doing everything I am supposed to be doing ... but I still fall on my face.
I need to change something, I need to learn something out of this experience. I have been trying to look for the lessons to learn out of it. I said I am sorry to the person I was mean to, I am trying hard to be positive, and keep my chin up. I am trying to be grateful for all the things and people I have in my life ... but nothing really changes ... am I on the wrong track? am I heading the wrong direction? What's wrong with me?
However, I am grateful. I am grateful for my family. I have an amazing bunch of people that I happened to be related to. They are NOT perfect, but they are amazing. My sister is my treasure, I love her a ton. My mom can be really annoying at times, but she is the best mom I could have wished for. My dad is my dad, everyone knows how much I love him, and how highly I think of him. He is simply the best! I have a few really close friends as well. And I am VERY grateful for them. I am grateful for everything I have in my life, I have been richly blessed to be honest.I am not going to say what those blessing are on here (well, at least not in this entry), but there are lots of things to be grateful for. And I am VERY grateful, even though, it is tough for me right now. I KNOW things will work out.
I love the quote about gratitude, it reads:

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what
we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into
acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can
turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger
into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings
peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~ Melody Beattie

Let's be grateful, let's love one another and respect one another whatever happens. Let's be considerate and unselfish. It gets super hard at times, but it is worth it.
Love ya all, and I mean it ... I really do!

Big hug!

me

Blessed & Grateful

I love the time before the conference. A week or so before the conference, I always go on back and read all the talks from the previous conference, it is kinda a tradition I have had for a while now. I also like reading my journal to see what happened since the last conference. And all I have to say is that I feel blessed and grateful, seriously.

Lot of things happened to me within the last six months. The school has been good, I was stressed happy, heartbroken, I experienced all the emotions I could have experienced within last 6 months. I dated A LOT, haha.

I was going out with a Utah boy in October - November. I liked that guy lots and lots. I had fun going on dates with him, but then it had to end, haha. I felt like a kid who got out to the playground and had a great day, and then all of the sudden I had to go home and say bye to my new best friend and probably never see him again. It was a good time though. I got to know the guy, I got to like him a lot. And even though he was not the nicest guy towards the end of that journey, I still hold only good memories about him.

After that I took a break from dating anyone in particular and just enjoyed my life for a while. It was a good time too. I had more time for myself, and was just kicking it with my friends.

Then I dated a guy from California. He was really nice. He reminded me of my dad in a lot of ways, and I wont lie that made me like him a lot. But it is in the past.

It is funny how over the last 6 months or so I wrote about relationships and loving others a lot. I learned a lot of the lessons, I made a ton of mistakes, but I feel like I became a better person along the way. Every small battle that I conquered made my heart more capable to love and appreciate the things I have in my life. I learned to appreciate and care for others in a better more meaningful way. And I am SO grateful! I learned that loving others is taking risks, but you still gotta put your whole heart into it. Chances are that your heart will get broken, scarred, and even bruised ... but I also learned that getting hurt is a necessary part of life, and that without getting hurt, it is not possible to love, and be happy, that for some reason the opposition is vital to be able to even understand what love is and how it feels if you know what I mean. Some of my friends tell me how I should put some guard on and be more careful. They all try to teach me how to not be vulnerable. I love what C.S. Lewis said it: "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin or your selfishness. But in that casket safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable impenetrable, irredeemable. TO LOVE IS TO BE VULNERABLE!" I love the fact that my family taught me that being vulnerable is ok. My mom always tells me that I have been blessed with a special ability to love and care for others, and I am SO grateful for that. I am grateful I can love my family, friends, and other people that I meet in my life. And it is ok to get heartbroken, it is ok to be sad because things did not go the way you wanted them to go or because someone that you thought the world of hurts you; it is ok to be vulnerable :))))))) I have grown SO much by putting my heart out there, by being nice when everyone would say that I should not, by serving every guy I dated, by being there for my friends. I love "love", I love being kind, I am SO grateful ... I feel SO blessed, even though, I have gotten hurt immensely along the way ... All of those experiences made me capable to love others in a different very deep and meaningful way