I want to say thank you to all my friends that have been so supportive. It is cute that everyone thinks that I am dying right now. I am ok. No, really, I am ok. I have heard SO many compliments, encouragements, opinions, etc, since last night. I really appreciate all those. I am sorry for not answering my phone yesterday and today, I just feel like I need time and space to process things and decide what direction I want to head.
Yesterday was quite a day for me ... someone was really rude to me in Russian, called me names, and told me to f off ... all the words that were said were super rude. I also got allergies cause I ate some cilantro and I am allergic to it. So, I look like I have been crying and not sleeping ... and then to top it off, I got broken up with the same night ... great! I must say I kinda knew it was coming. He acted weird, and I have felt all the warnings ... it still hurts, I mean no one likes to be broken up with or left behind. And if there is someone who does ... that person is crazy.
I remember growing up my dad taught me a lot about love and relationships. I think he was so paranoid about it because my mom did not know how to love. She was super young when she had me, and she was a little selfish. A lot of times I thought that my mom felt stuck with us, and she did not like it. But she learned later.
Anyway, my father always taught me that one day I will meet this special guy whom I'll love. He taught me that I gotta learn to love him now even though I have not met him yet. It was funny cause I was very little, and I would always tell him that he was silly and I will never love anyone, but him. Those memories make me smile and bring tears to my eyes. I love my dad, he is a great man. But this thing that he taught me when I was little makes it easier for me to survive breakups. I feel like "Oh, he was not the guy then. Have not met my man yet", and I move on. It is harder when I do feel otherwise ... but it has not happened many times, probably twice in my life when I fought for the guy with all my might. I am kinda glad those days are in the past.
I have to say that I sincerely loved and cared for every guy I dated. I have a few crazy stories, but every guy I dated in the past is a great person that affected me in a certain way. I am what I am because of the people I interact with, and I am grateful for all of them. I mean some of them broke my heart to little pieces, but because of it, my heart became bigger and more capable to love and care for others. Sometimes, we might look at our past relationships as a failure, and I am guilty of feeling this way, till we meet someone else, and then we realize how much we have learned from our previous relationships. I mean in the whole love thing nobody wins or loses, right?
It is important to know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want that person to be happy no matter what, even if it means that it is not with you. Everything happens for a reason :)
They say that if you don't hurt, you won't ever learn how to love.
One failure relationship should not destroy love. However, it is SO hard to let go when all you want is to hold on, and then you hold on when you should really let go ... cause you can never find the right person if you hold on to the wrong one ... but at the same time the moment you think that you are ready to let go, you all of the sudden remember why you were holding on for such a long time .... It is so hard to forget about what you want and to remember what you deserve ...
I like comparing love with investing ... it is risky. The risk of investing is that your investment won't bring you anything back, and you'll lose your money. To live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But we gotta take risk cause it is dangerous to risk nothing at all in our lives. The risk of loving someone is not being loved in return. It was a hard concept for me to grasp cause to be honest, it is so much easier to just be idle, and not worry about anything.
My friend emailed this quote to me today that made me think about lots of things and kinda inspired this entry: "How to define love: "Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you" - I do not know who said it or where my friend found this quote, but it makes perfect sense. And this is what I feel about the guy I dated till last night. If he feels this is the right way to go, fair enough. I let go. It might not be what I want. But I might want something different from what I deserve.
I am grateful for all the experiences in my life. I took a day off work today. My allergy wont go away, and as I mentioned before I need time to process everything, and decide what direction I want to head. I know it might not be an easy route, but it will be amazing in the end. Cause life is awesome (I hate that word btw, haha)
Once again, thanks to all my friends and family for your support. Each of you means the world to me. I am fine, I will be back in the loop tomorrow, I promise.
BIG HUG <3
Kristina
Yesterday was quite a day for me ... someone was really rude to me in Russian, called me names, and told me to f off ... all the words that were said were super rude. I also got allergies cause I ate some cilantro and I am allergic to it. So, I look like I have been crying and not sleeping ... and then to top it off, I got broken up with the same night ... great! I must say I kinda knew it was coming. He acted weird, and I have felt all the warnings ... it still hurts, I mean no one likes to be broken up with or left behind. And if there is someone who does ... that person is crazy.
I remember growing up my dad taught me a lot about love and relationships. I think he was so paranoid about it because my mom did not know how to love. She was super young when she had me, and she was a little selfish. A lot of times I thought that my mom felt stuck with us, and she did not like it. But she learned later.
Anyway, my father always taught me that one day I will meet this special guy whom I'll love. He taught me that I gotta learn to love him now even though I have not met him yet. It was funny cause I was very little, and I would always tell him that he was silly and I will never love anyone, but him. Those memories make me smile and bring tears to my eyes. I love my dad, he is a great man. But this thing that he taught me when I was little makes it easier for me to survive breakups. I feel like "Oh, he was not the guy then. Have not met my man yet", and I move on. It is harder when I do feel otherwise ... but it has not happened many times, probably twice in my life when I fought for the guy with all my might. I am kinda glad those days are in the past.
I have to say that I sincerely loved and cared for every guy I dated. I have a few crazy stories, but every guy I dated in the past is a great person that affected me in a certain way. I am what I am because of the people I interact with, and I am grateful for all of them. I mean some of them broke my heart to little pieces, but because of it, my heart became bigger and more capable to love and care for others. Sometimes, we might look at our past relationships as a failure, and I am guilty of feeling this way, till we meet someone else, and then we realize how much we have learned from our previous relationships. I mean in the whole love thing nobody wins or loses, right?
It is important to know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want that person to be happy no matter what, even if it means that it is not with you. Everything happens for a reason :)
They say that if you don't hurt, you won't ever learn how to love.
One failure relationship should not destroy love. However, it is SO hard to let go when all you want is to hold on, and then you hold on when you should really let go ... cause you can never find the right person if you hold on to the wrong one ... but at the same time the moment you think that you are ready to let go, you all of the sudden remember why you were holding on for such a long time .... It is so hard to forget about what you want and to remember what you deserve ...
I like comparing love with investing ... it is risky. The risk of investing is that your investment won't bring you anything back, and you'll lose your money. To live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But we gotta take risk cause it is dangerous to risk nothing at all in our lives. The risk of loving someone is not being loved in return. It was a hard concept for me to grasp cause to be honest, it is so much easier to just be idle, and not worry about anything.
My friend emailed this quote to me today that made me think about lots of things and kinda inspired this entry: "How to define love: "Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you" - I do not know who said it or where my friend found this quote, but it makes perfect sense. And this is what I feel about the guy I dated till last night. If he feels this is the right way to go, fair enough. I let go. It might not be what I want. But I might want something different from what I deserve.
I am grateful for all the experiences in my life. I took a day off work today. My allergy wont go away, and as I mentioned before I need time to process everything, and decide what direction I want to head. I know it might not be an easy route, but it will be amazing in the end. Cause life is awesome (I hate that word btw, haha)
Once again, thanks to all my friends and family for your support. Each of you means the world to me. I am fine, I will be back in the loop tomorrow, I promise.
BIG HUG <3
Kristina
Oh Kristina, I'm sorry. What a bummer week. :( Your dad sounds like such an incredible man, and he is so right :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I hate the word awesome too. I was just telling Cam that tonight! haha
Kristina, I hope it is ok that I read this, and I am assuming it is because your blog isn't private.
ReplyDeleteI love it. You put things so beautifully, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your heart. You have an amazing attitude! My little heart hurts so badly right now, but like you said maybe it is so it can grow bigger and stronger yet again. Many of the things you wrote are very helpful to me, Thank You! Your Dad must be great to teach you those things, I always pray for the man I will marry and often I would hope that while I was praying that I was praying for him twice, once as a man of the future and again with the name of the guy I was dating. There are so many difficulties in this life but one of the hardest is the struggles of the heart. I hope your week turns around for the better and that your heart heals quickly and strong!
Is there a "love" button? Thank you, my dear, for sharing this with me. LOVE you tons!!! :*
ReplyDeleteWow, I just saw your comment ... I love you too. Sorry, I did not reply earlier. I am glad you liked it :)))))
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