Love of My Life

I have been a little down the last few days. I, honestly, cannot figure out what causes it, but I have been really sad. I am proud of staying happy and doing my best to enjoy the things I do.

I was talking to a really dear friend of mine today who has been having difficulties in his love life, and it made me think a lot about my life, goals, future, etc ... thinking about those things made me re-check with my consciousness, and I got a little happier. I got to remember lots of things that are important in this life, I kinda put my priorities in place if that makes sense. Anyway, it was an interesting experience. I don't really know how to explain it.

The most interesting part of it was that it made me think about my love life and what I have been up to these past few months. And it made me think of the love of my life, the guy who will take me to the temple one of those days. I don't know who he is, but I know I love him with all of my heart. I remember when I was in Young Women they had us write a letter to our future husband, I was a little girl, but I think my letter was pretty cool, I said: "I don't know who you are, but I love you more than anyone else in this world. I look forward to cooking you meals and doing your laundry. I cannot wait to just cuddle with you on a couch in front of TV on Friday nights, and talk about everything and nothing. I look forward to growing old with you and holding your hand when we are old and wrinkly. It just sounds soooooooooo good. I am SO in love with you! Please, be good and make good choices till I meet you, and I will do the same". I think it is the cutest letter ever, and the best part of it that I still feel the same way. I love the guy that I will marry SO very much. I look forward to meeting him. Thinking about that moment makes me SO happy! 

I also watched this lil video today, it totally made tears come to my eyes. It is super cute and a little sad, but I love it!

Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WNfvuJr9164

Love you all <3 

Life ...

I am convinced that everyone has the right to make mistakes. I believe that we all make mistakes for a reason. Life is a learning experience, and it is OK to make mistakes. This is how we learn and grow. The hard part of it is to get up after falling on your face. Get up and continue walking. Some people get depressed, some people become bitter, some people start doing things that hurt others, etc. It is hard to keep "a loving heart" for most people. But at the same time it is so important.

I remember when I was a little girl we lived in a nice area in Ukraine where moms got together with their kids and we, kids, played together. I remember how easy it was to find friends. You get on the playground, you come up to a boy / girl. You introduce yourself and ask them for their name, and then you find yourself playing together as if you have know each other for your entire lives. I remember we cared so much about each other and when we hurt someone we said: "I am sorry" and gave them a kiss. Cute, huh? We said what we meant and we meant what we said. Things were crystal clear at that time. 

However, with time everything change. We grow up and learn how to guard ourselves, we become these weird people that are scared to do things for other because we might get hurt. We are scared to love, we are scared to care. Because what if another person chooses to do something else ... And it IS scary, don't get me wrong. But we must progress, we must grow. We gotta acquire hearts that love, brains equipped with wisdom and truth, and courage to find our ways. 

And all the life experience we have are not to make us miserable, but to teach us how to be better people. Those are to help us accomplish what we are to accomplish, help us achieve our goals and make us better people. So many people in Utah say: "Well, I have had this and that happen in my life and now I cannot do anything, but be like this". A lot of those are guys and gals that got their hearts broken and now they just go around making out with everything that moves without any commitment or feelings. Most of them understand that it is no bueno, that it might hurt other people's feeling, but they do not want to change it. Some of them say: "I am not ready yet". And to be honest, it makes me laugh inside. Because in reality what they are saying is: "I do not want to. And I do not care if someone does not like it, this is how I roll. Like it or not". It also reminds me of some of my drug addicted friends from home. They would always say: "I am going to quit doing drugs, just not right now. I know it is bad, but I am just not ready yet". Guess what? They have never given up their addictions. And some of them even died ... I know sad ... 

Anyway, what I am trying to say in this post is that it is ok to make mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes of others hurt us in a very personal and painful way. And regardless of how painful and miserable it is, it is ok. They have the right to make mistakes just like we do. And on our part, we gotta take those experiences and make the best out of them. Learn our lessons, forgive, forget, and love those people in return. You were engaged and got cheated on? It is hard, it hurts, it hurts BAD, but it is ok ... love is a wonderful thing that cures everything. And sometimes, we gotta have those experiences to actually know what it really means to love and care for someone. I love what C.S. Lewis said about love. To love is to be vulnerable, there are not other ways. 

It is ok to get hurt through those experiences we learn how to love, we become wiser, and we learn to be courageous. It is ok to trust others. Don't lock your heart up in a safe (unless you are going on an LDS mission, haha). Don't be afraid. To Love is to Be Vulnerable! 

I am done with my preaching for today =))))) 

Love you all SO very much! 

Kristina 

Closures ...

I never realized how not having had a closure could screw up your life, haha. Six years ago, someone who was really dear to me walked out of my life unexpectedly ... was I sad? I was devastated ... It is a long story that most of you already heard so, I am not going to repeat myself.

Anyway, these last six years I have been trying so hard to move on and do the right thing. But things just did not work out and I have always had my ex-fiance on my mind. It was a disaster. I felt like I was not going to ever be happy with anyone else. I dreamed about him every night and had this weird connection with him that I could not explain what it was and why I felt that way, It drove me crazy big time.

Well, it happened that I got a chance to talk to him a chance to let out all those things that I kept inside for six years. It felt so good, I felt so relieved ... I feel free now. I had not realized how important it was to just talk, to just honestly communicate. Talking to him made me realize lots of things, and it felt amazing.

I can now go date and not compare every guy I meet to someone from my past. I can go live my life without wondering about how things are on the other end of the world ... I am happy =)))))

These last six years felt like I was a prisoner of my past, but now it is all a history. Life is an interesting thing. I am a little sad it took me that long, but whatever. I learned lots of things =))))))))

I feel blessed and grateful.

Love ya all,

Kristina

!!!

I miss you! Yes, I do, I miss you so much that sometimes I cannot fall asleep at night. I think about you every day, and I keep you in my prayers every time I say one. It has been a long time since the last time I saw you, things changed, you moved on. I live thousands of miles away, but I still feel what you go through in your life. 

I miss you when something really good happens, because I want to share it with you. I miss you when I am sad or worried about something, because there is no one else who understands me so well. I miss you when I am happy, when I laugh, when I am sad and I cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time!!! I miss you when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other. Those were some of the best times in my life.

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid. I am afraid that you don't want to hear me say anything. So, I don't. But inside of me there are so many words I wanna say, waiting to come out, and tell you how I feel, how I miss you, and how I love you despite my broken heart... And how I need you in my life. But those words may forever stay in my heart ... locked inside ... Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you as well ... but I will never know ... 

Love,

Kristina