It happened that my life put me in a situation where I have to ponder a lot about love, feeling of belonging, and worthiness ...
I read The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown's sometime ago where one of the subjects she talks about is love and belonging. And let me go back and recap.
It seems like in this culture people struggle with feeling or worthiness. I have met so many people that has a long list of prerequisites for feeling worthy:
We also have to understand what is love and belonging.
A lot of people say "I love you" every day without actually understanding what it means to love somebody or to be loved. We don't talk about love. It almost feels like this is a very uncomfortable topic. So, love mirrors shame, how weird! Apparently, we are afraid of those two topics. "Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability".
Another topic that is very important to human experience is belonging. Belonging does not mean fitting in. Indeed fitting is gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about adjusting to the situation and being someone the situation requires us to be when belonging doesn't require us to change who we are, but rather to be who we are.
This the definitions of love and belonging according to Brene Brown:
Love:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive this injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.
Belonging:
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
I wish someone I really care for understood what love is about. And understood how important it is to love ourselves first, and to trust ourselves, and not to be hard on ourselves. I wish that person understood that he is worthy of being loved or loving. There are no ifs or whens needed. We all are worthy of that feeling, and of being love.
It breaks my heart to see a lot of my loved ones struggling with those concepts.
We are such shallow generation that cares about fitting in, putting on a show, dating beautiful people, but all those things are disastrous for ourselves. People's relationships don't mean anything, especially here in Utah. I feel that a lot of divorces happen because of that. They pretend to be what they are expected to be, but it is not them ... And then all of the sudden this whole shallow thing falls apart because there is no real love, no real feelings, no real anything ... it is SO sad ...
Sometimes, thinking about all this makes me want to cry. Why is that that we care so much about the label that someone is going to stick on us? Why? Does it even matter? Does it matter what my neighbor is going to think of me? I don't think so! I don't care if people around me judge me. It happens to me every day, I live in Utah. And I am a foreigner. I dress differently. I act differently. Do I care when those Mormon moms give me the dirtiest looks because I wear black boots on a high heels in the winter? I am who I am and a lot of times I am the weird one ... BUT WHO CARES???
I wish we could just be ourselves, I wish we could take our relationships and feeling seriously and nurtured them. I wish our parents did not have to mess us up when we are little kids so that we don't have all the issues we have. I wish we all could be good parents and had the right approach teaching our children with love and care. I have met so many people that don't know how to love. I have heard so many people say "I have never loved anyone" Isn't it crazy? Isn't it scary?
I hope one day I can be a good loving partner, and perhaps, one day a wife, and maybe even a parent. I hope I can teach them how to feel and have them make their own mistakes instead of confusing them with who they are supposed to be.
I love life, I love love. When I love I love with all of my heart without holding back. And most of the times it bites me right on my arse ... funny, huh? or not really, but I wish there were more people that would pay attention to those things and know how important those things are.
Anyway, now I am just whining, haha. I gotta wrap up and go to bed.
Love,
Kristina
I read The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown's sometime ago where one of the subjects she talks about is love and belonging. And let me go back and recap.
It seems like in this culture people struggle with feeling or worthiness. I have met so many people that has a long list of prerequisites for feeling worthy:
- I'll be worthy when I lose thirty pounds
- I'll be worthy when I make enough money
- I'll be worthy when I finish school
- I'll be worthy when my parents approve
- I'll be worthy if he calls me back and asks me out
- I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I am not even trying
We also have to understand what is love and belonging.
A lot of people say "I love you" every day without actually understanding what it means to love somebody or to be loved. We don't talk about love. It almost feels like this is a very uncomfortable topic. So, love mirrors shame, how weird! Apparently, we are afraid of those two topics. "Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability".
Another topic that is very important to human experience is belonging. Belonging does not mean fitting in. Indeed fitting is gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about adjusting to the situation and being someone the situation requires us to be when belonging doesn't require us to change who we are, but rather to be who we are.
This the definitions of love and belonging according to Brene Brown:
Love:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive this injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.
Belonging:
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
I wish someone I really care for understood what love is about. And understood how important it is to love ourselves first, and to trust ourselves, and not to be hard on ourselves. I wish that person understood that he is worthy of being loved or loving. There are no ifs or whens needed. We all are worthy of that feeling, and of being love.
It breaks my heart to see a lot of my loved ones struggling with those concepts.
We are such shallow generation that cares about fitting in, putting on a show, dating beautiful people, but all those things are disastrous for ourselves. People's relationships don't mean anything, especially here in Utah. I feel that a lot of divorces happen because of that. They pretend to be what they are expected to be, but it is not them ... And then all of the sudden this whole shallow thing falls apart because there is no real love, no real feelings, no real anything ... it is SO sad ...
Sometimes, thinking about all this makes me want to cry. Why is that that we care so much about the label that someone is going to stick on us? Why? Does it even matter? Does it matter what my neighbor is going to think of me? I don't think so! I don't care if people around me judge me. It happens to me every day, I live in Utah. And I am a foreigner. I dress differently. I act differently. Do I care when those Mormon moms give me the dirtiest looks because I wear black boots on a high heels in the winter? I am who I am and a lot of times I am the weird one ... BUT WHO CARES???
I wish we could just be ourselves, I wish we could take our relationships and feeling seriously and nurtured them. I wish our parents did not have to mess us up when we are little kids so that we don't have all the issues we have. I wish we all could be good parents and had the right approach teaching our children with love and care. I have met so many people that don't know how to love. I have heard so many people say "I have never loved anyone" Isn't it crazy? Isn't it scary?
I hope one day I can be a good loving partner, and perhaps, one day a wife, and maybe even a parent. I hope I can teach them how to feel and have them make their own mistakes instead of confusing them with who they are supposed to be.
I love life, I love love. When I love I love with all of my heart without holding back. And most of the times it bites me right on my arse ... funny, huh? or not really, but I wish there were more people that would pay attention to those things and know how important those things are.
Anyway, now I am just whining, haha. I gotta wrap up and go to bed.
Love,
Kristina
I love this entry! You are probably the most caring person I know. I love how you lay it out beautifully. You are right about our shallow generation especially here in Utah. Thank you for being amazing. I hope to see you soon, the prettiest soviet!
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that you are the best? You have been the greatest example of how to love and be accepting. I am so grateful I know you.
ReplyDelete-- Joshua
Josh, you make me wanna cry. I miss you =((((
DeleteBig Ukrainian Hug =)))))