Got up a little later today, because my sister did not wake me up to give her a ride to the bus stop. I was not happy about it cause she had to walk in the cold, but at the same time I kinda was glad she did not have to see my puffy watery eyes ...
I have an 8 am class today, but I did not go. Good thing I have a friend in a class who was willing to submit my homework for me ...
I promised myself so many times that I will not let myself get hurt again, but somehow I am not smart enough and I get hurt over and over again by the same people ... My dad would have said that even a donkey would have learned and not acted the way I do by now ... I guess I am a little slow ... well, no, I am not. I just have a soft heart and I might look all tough and stuff, but I am not ... I forgive, and when I do ... I forget ...
I guess it is the time to be tough ... I am just scared of losing myself once I become tough. Does it sound silly? Maybe it does ... I do not know ...
I just want to be myself, I want to be a happy girl that I am ... but sometimes it is so hard! It is hard not to be bitter and mean when you get hurt ... I feel like I am five again ... I remember when I got scared I would run to my dad, put my arms around his neck and have him hug me tightly .... If you only knew how much I need it right now ... a big hug from my dad ... too bad it is not available to me anymore ...
Life is an interesting thing ... I mean I am a grownup, I am an adult. I learned lots of things, I have a few degrees, I speak a few languages. And for being a woman, I'd say I am rather successful ... To a lot of people I look independent and intimidating ... but deep down I am a little girl that gets sad, that is vulnerable, that is kind and naive in a way ... someone who wants to trust people and who keeps getting hurt over and over again ... I need my dad when I feel like this ... I need him to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be all right ... boo, I am all sentimental ... I am being a girl. hahahaha ... oh, this brings another memory to my mind ...
I remember when I was little I did not like being a girl ... I wanted to be like my dad ... I even tried to pee standing when I was in the kindergarten ... from what I remember I was trying to prove the boys that we are not that different and that we can be friends ... it was a total failure ... wet panties AND wet shoes ... Oh, how much I miss those times. The times when I did not have to pretend ... it is SO simple when you are little ... I remember it took me seconds to make best friends with someone I just barely met ... we asked each other what our names were and that was enough ... we played together as if we have been buddies for our whole lives ... no one worried about things getting stolen, about another person taking advantage of you ... it was simple and open ... if something went wrong ... we could communicate and say something like "Hey, I do not like you because you are throwing my toys around and then you leave and I am the only one to clean. You gotta help me". It was so easy to solve problems and resolve differences.
Do not get me wrong, I love being an adult, I just feel that if we cared enough to see that little vulnerable selves in other people, we would have cared more and understood each other more ... but this is just my thinking, haha. ...
Sometimes I feel like Dorothy in Oz ... I feel out of place and disoriented ... I do not feel home ... I wish I could just click the heels and go "home" the place where I am comfortable, where everything is familiar ... too bad it is not an option ...
Anyway, I should finish my rambling, go eat, take my supplements, and go to work, yay! Sorry if I bored you all to death.
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